Maybe you can whine about your Linux machine

So it's been over 3 years since I last complained about my Mac. Does that mean that I ran out of complaints? Yes and no.

1) I USE MY MAC MORE THAN I USE WINDOWS. The Macbook, through Boot Camp, can boot into a Windows partition. And I almost never go there. That tells me I prefer working on the Mac, though I still can't tell you why.

2) I GAVE UP ON QUICKEN FOR MAC. Quicken is one of the reasons I'll boot to Windows. Quicken for Mac is slop.

3) THE LACK OF BACKSPACE KEY IS FREAKING ANNOYING. I've tried several workarounds, none which have stuck. I end up having to use Fn-Delete, which is the least convenient combo on the keypad.

4) I STILL DON'T GET SAFARI. I can't remember why I don't like it but I use Google Chrome. Firefox would be my second choice.

5) I DON'T GET IPHOTO OR ITUNES. Maybe I'm the dumbest Mac owner. But I don't quite get - is iphoto making copies of my pictures? How come I have doubles and triples of photos strewn throughout my drive? How can I get itunes to NOT display certain files - like a folder of sound effects?

6) I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO EDIT AUDIO OR VIDEO - Imovie sucks and I'm using Audacity to edit audio, just like I did in Windows. What am I missing? Am I supposed to be editing sound in Garage Band?

7) I BROKE DOWN AND BOUGHT AN AIRPORT EXTREME - I had a DLink router and for some reason it wouldn't let two Mac laptops online at the same time. Then we get a new printer and had all kinds of connection problems. Got a used ($20) Airport Extreme online and now everything works great. Lesson to future switchers: switch your router.

If Johnny buys 3 copies of Mac software, how much XP software could he have bought?

Tell me again why Quicken for Mac costs $60 and Quicken for Windows costs $30? Could it be because Windows users have a 2nd choice in Microsoft Money. You know, like competition?

It's DEFINITELY not because Quicken for Mac is twice as good as the Windows version, or even as good. Or even as good as any Quicken for Windows since 1999. Why can't I sort items by AMOUNT? Why can't I pop up a freakin' CALCULATOR? How am I suppose to reconcile downloaded items if I can't even MATCH the new ones to the old ones?? I looked up Intuit's own Q4M forums and, alas, Intuit's disdain for Mac users is well-documented. Here's a refrain I'm hearing. Intuit: Why should we care about making a product good for only 10% of the market. And multiply this by every piece of software I've run into.

Is there a decent alternative to Quicken for the Mac? I'm all ears. Or even some decent workarounds to its many shortcomings.

On a similar note -

NeoOffice is not the answer to my word processing needs. And Word for Mac is just plain weird. I only have a few more days on my Office "Test Drive" so I'll have to pick one of them soon. And I fear it will be Word and it will probably cost $78,000.

Note to Dickface: no, Appleworks or TextEdit will not do because I need some of the "features" in Word like styles, auto-numbering, tables - stuff that makes your Dickface head go swimmy-swim. But if I continue to hate Word maybe I'll just borrow your pencil and paper.

Isn't that where you shoot elephants?

I've been hearing a lot about SAFARI over the years from Mac users. Its elegance. Its sleeknees. It's a whole new world of browsing.

Any add-ons? Extensions? Improvements. Nope. Why improve on perfection. SAFARI is great. It's the browser for the user who has never experienced Firefox. Or Opera. Or Netscape. Yes, Safari may be superior to IE.

I work in an office building where Tech is constantly shutting down our Net fun. They're always one step ahead. You can't use Windows Messenger or AIM or ICQ to reach the outside world. Gmail chat, however, slipped under their radar and I could chat with my wife at home.

Then one day she disappeared. Tech is on to us. Fun while it lasted. But then one of my friends gave me the whassup on Gmail chat. Has just my wife been banned? How come we can't chat anymore?

Because she's using SAFARI, that's why. You can't use GMAIL CHAT with SAFARI. Why can't you use GMAIL CHAT with SAFARI? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T USE GMAIL CHAT WITH SAFARI. I read that they're going to fix it. That post was from February 2006.

All of this is really just to get a jump on Dickface who will say, "What do you need to use Gmail Chat for? IChat is perfectly fine." Would if I could, dude. Would if I could.

At least he spoke English good.

Are you guys shitting me with the printer installation? I haven't had this much fun since I tried hooking a daisy wheel printer to a Leading Edge 386SX.

It took me almost TWO WEEKS to finally print. I'm using a Brother 2070N Network printer. There are, of course, few to no actual instructions anywhere on the net, just conflicting advice. Brother's and Apple's sites are useless. The problem is I am consistently getting an Error: -50. Guess what? Apple's site does not mention Error -50 anywhere. That stuff is infuriating under any circumstance. You have an error message? TELL US WHAT IT IS OR DON'T HAVE AN ERROR MESSAGE.

And I am loathe to call for help because 1) I am loathe to call for help and 2) this problem involves a printer, a computer and a router which means that after failing to help me, they will blame one or both of the other two.

Turns out my pessimism was overly optimistic. I get the Apple guy on the phone (Canadian?). I explain what I'm doing. He walks me through the installation. We keep getting Error: -50. He explains how Error -50 means something is wrong with the printer driver and I have to call Brother. So I do. And they solve it in about five minutes.

What was wrong? Well first, the Mac "hassle free" installation has printer setups in two places - in the System Preferences and, buried under Finder\Applications\Utilities, Printer Setup Utility. The whole time I was in the Printer Setup Utility trying to install with the IP Printer instead of the Default Browser. What a jackass I am! How obvious was that?! Well, apparently not obvious enough for Apple Support since they didn't have a clue I wasn't even on the right page. Support scoreboard: Microsoft=0, Apple=0, Symantec=$39.95.

Printer installation. Please tell me what other inside jokes I'm going to run into.

Mac STUPIDNESS #2

I can delete backwards but not forwards? Why in hell not?

Yes, I know all of this is old hat to all you switchers. But before I rant, let's talk about Dickface. Who is probably reading this and doesn't know it's him.

Conversation with Dickface circa 1990.
Dickface: What do I need a computer for?
Us: Well, you can send email instantly.
Dickface: I have a telephone what do I need email for?
Us: Well, you can write with it.
Dickface: I have a word processor now. It's called a pencil and paper.
Us: You could use a database for your business.
Dickface: (revealing an entire wall of index cards) I've got the whole thing on a system. It works without electricity...

Dickface, apparently, now has a Mac. I say this because when I was looking up workarounds I saw him all over the Net saying things like, "I don't know why you need to delete forward when the delete key works fine..." Listen, Dickface, I don't NEED the button. And you don't NEED a Mac. You actually don't NEED to do anything except eat, sleep, and die. Why do I need keys that delete forward and backwards? Because I use them both, that's why. I use them a lot.

Dickface is apparently not going to be a help in making a XP->Mac transition.

So how do you delete forward? Fn+Delete. Why this combo? Because if you picked two keys further apart, they would be on different computers. That's right - they are the two keys furthest apart on the keyboard and it's physically impossible to do with one hand.

I did find out, however, that CTL+D also works. That's a little better. I'd be much obliged if anyone can tell me the simple way to make COMMAND+DELETE to delete forward or give me a compelling reason why I don't want that.

Mac STUPIDNESS #1

There's no right click button?

I guess I knew that going in, and I quickly learned the workarounds (CTL+click or two fingers on the pad + click) but why hasn't the Mac incorporated contextual menus? It certainly can't cost much to add another clicker. I started to think how stubborn Steve Jobs must be, refusing to adapt any Windows improvements. Then I mentioned it to a Mac dickhead who said, "I've never had even ONE occasion to use a right click."

So there's no right click because either Apple is stubborn or Apple thinks their users are idiots. Or both. Now I know why my Macfriends don't have problems with their machines - they don't use them. They use all factory settings and only tap about 5% of its capability. It's just a cute little plastic MacSpeak and Spell.

So what in hell am I doing here?

Omigod, what have I done?

Mac-bashing was fun. It's a Playskool machine. Macs are great - and then you can move on to a computer. Couldn't imagine what would possess someone to have Mac envy until... until...

I was trying to do stuff like edit DV video on my XP machine but... Adapters weren't quite right. Software crashed. It took forever to render... I just wanted to edit a little movie. Meanwhile my Mac-buddies were just, you know, getting that kind of stuff done. AND THEY AREN'T EVEN THAT SMART. And I've noticed a lot of PC rats jumping the S.S. XP and becoming Macvangelical. On the Mac - everything works out of the box. And my office has an "employee deal" with Apple. So on Black Friday Apple gave the BF deal + my work discount and - presto. I own a rental-car-white MacBook upped to 1GB of memory. That's so if I run into problems my friends can't say, "Dude. 512?"

I was optimistic, I felt giddy, like Kevin Costner building a ballfield in his backyard. But I'm starting to wake up the fog - I bought a WHAT? Why does this only have a 60GB drive, is that more than any Mac user needs? Why can't I get anything done? Is it the Mac or is it me? It's the Mac, isn't it?